August 2008
83 posts
And we're closed.
Love, me.
Dear shameless self-advertisers of Tumblr
Stop getting on OPENLETTERS to advertise your blog. It’s annoying and I’d rather read actual entertaining open-letters with some substance to them. Is that too much to ask? Fuck. Sincerely, allibautista
Dear people of tumblr
Why is everyone all of the sudden posting open letters to the masses of blogging individuals using this site proclaiming that are Michigan state students and that they love to drink and everyone should come see what they have to say? Now I know you are asking yourself, can he create a longer run on sentence? I proudly proclaim, YES I CAN.
Basically what I am saying is you should come check out...
Dear Person I've Never Even Really Met Before
So we had ONE class together two years ago and have some mutual acquaintances, but does that really mean you have to follow me on the Internet and make/post incredibly annoying comments on everything I post on Tumblr, Twitter, Flickr, etc.? I don’t care that you’re an insomniac or suffer round the clock migraines, I just wanted to Twitter that I shouldn’t have taken a long...
Dear mysterious person whos not so mysterious
i can’t figure out you at all, but theres something about it that still makes me wanna be your friend. we both know who the real you is, i just don’t wanna be too close Sincerely, livelikenoother
Dear You
my name is zack.
i did drugs once.
i am a spartan,
so check me out. Sincerely, shutupinternet
Dear lifeofkellie
:) Sincerely, masscity
Dear velvetrobots
:( Sincerely, masscity
Dear openletterers
Get a clue. Sincerely, hiiamblair
Dear velvetrobots
Sorry I didn’t include the “s” in my last open letter to you. Please forgive me. :-) Sincerely, lifeofkellie
Dear velvet robot
Don’t be mean to masscity! Even though he used “too” instead of “to” (which does irk me…) he is my friend. Besides, open letters doesn’t seem to require posts to meet a certain criteria. When we do need open letters police, you’ll be the first internet-flashlight cop we call. k? Until then, feel free to do something more productive with your time...
Dear youngin' who's cradle I've robbed
The funny thing is that after hanging out with you for an extended period of time… and I mean really, did you have to stay for 2 freakin weeks?!… I’ve realized that the only kind of relationship with you I can have is over text. It limits you. Trust me, that’s a good thing… cause you talk way too damn much. Your love of stupid cliches makes me wanna bite my wrists...
Dear thillythenny
you rock! Sincerely, thillythenny
Dear whoever is reading this
check out my site. I like to write funny things and do other things. Give my site a look and maybe a follow.
I’d be your super-best friend, the kind that would totes take a bullet for you (Reader note: don’t let the fact that I just said totes take away from you going to my site, please). Sincerely, shutupinternet
Dear god, jesus, the virigin mary
today is my dad’s birthday. please give me the guts to at least give him a hug. Sincerely, sundaymorning
Dear Asians & Pacific Islanders
I hate to break the news to you, but there’s a little bit of FOB in *all* of us. So, if you like Spam, just admit it…and if you don’t like it, don’t be hating on those of us who do. Sincerely, leiann
Dear Masscity
You have been posting a lot of things lately. The sad part is, none of them are really that funny.
Please handle with temperance. Sincerely, velvetrobots
Dear memory
why do you allow me to remember trivial things, like my ex’s birthday… but not important things like… umm… the thing… the big thing with the importance.
See? eff you… Santa? Wait… who is this letter too, again? Sincerely, masscity
Dear life
Leave it up to you to ruin a perfectly fine day with things that shouldn’t matter. You make the smallest things seem massive then my brain is overrun by negativity and unpleasantness.
Please fuck off and let me have a good day for once. Thanks. Sincerely, beverlyhasablog
Dear Alzheimers
Why did you have to go and start a twisted relationship with Terry Pratchett’s brain? He’s put a lot of good books into the world, but I guess you disagree. All I ask of you is to make your cure more obvious. Sincerely, castleonion
Dear Lame Girly Brain That Has Taken Over My...
Go Away. My Proper Brain knows that if a boy is not into me, it’s ok. The world is bursting full of rad kids for me to play with. So what if he’s amazing & beautiful & it was epic for the uhhh few days that it lasted, I am also amazing & beautiful & totally fucking epic & deserve all the happiness in the world. Getting mopey over the unmentioned fact that he’s...
Dear Douches
Stop wearing Juno t-shirts. You look retarded. Sincerely, whatawonderful
Dear R train
Listen. You can’t just go express. Or at least tell me, louder than my ipod. I don’t know what the hell happened this morning, but you pissed a lot of people off. Me, not so much, I was just really confused. Um yea, so if the boss lady asks why I was half an hour late this morning, I just need you to tell her it was your fault, not mine. Thanks. Sincerely, aylrak
Dear girlfriend
i used to have kleptomania but when it got really bad, i’d just take things for it. Sincerely, niquewoodhouse
Dear Bus Driver
Stop being so overly cheerful and sitcom-y. Your singing and excessive grinning, plus your exclamations of, “Yeah, that’s right, I’m singing!” as the passengers look at you in bewilderment practically scream psychopath. Thanks. Sincerely, nadhira
Dear Vicodin
I love you, unfortunately. Sincerely, artisticalmighty
Dear College
Give me my life back, you goddamned bastard. Sincerely, velvetrobots
Dear Guinness
Stop being delicious, please. Either that, or stop being unhealthy. It’s starting to get on my nerves, you cool, refreshing home wrecker.
And tell your friend, Vicodin, that I tell him to stop it too. Sincerely, artisticalmighty
Dear general public
Please refrain from telling me how crazy I am for teaching in an Urban High School. Half of those “crazy” little suckers are YOUR kids/cousins/nieces/friend’s children anyway. Seriously, if you spent as much worry on those poor kids as you spend on me (an adult who doesn’t need/want your help) Urban schools wouldn’t be half as bad. From now on, I will only accept...
Dear Life
Thank you.
You have me a great guy.
I couldn’t be happier.
:) Sincerely, sincerelykristin
Dear Obnoxious Women Who Post About Hating Men
Shut up please. Stop making us look like crazy, overly emotional losers who don’t know how to get along with men.
Furthermore, when you are upset about ONE man you don’t have to post saying you hate ALL men because “they suck!” It’s not funny, it’s immature. Grow up. Sincerely, fuckery
Dear nicotine
why do i always quit you at horribly inconvenient times? i need you. stop flaunting yourself in front of me… my mouth is developing those nasty smokers wrinkles around them… funny, vanity is what made me finally quit… definitely something wrong there. Sincerely, maygen
Dear Hyperactive Co-Worker
I know you would really like me to complete this Very. Important. project for you, but if you continue to come to my desk and ask how it’s coming along, it will take me EVEN LONGER. Not just because of your distractions, but because of the amount of time it takes me to refocus instead of imagining punching you in the balls repeatedly. Sincerely, sheasylvia
Dear co-worker
I hate how you explain something to me that I already know. You sound just like Bill Cosby, you see? Sincerely, vela
Dear My Bosses Boss
I know it gets hot in your office so you turn the air down. But it makes the rest of the offices about 15 degrees below any comfortable temperature. It’s 95 degrees outside and I’m wearing a scarf and jacket. Seriously!
Can I please have my space heater back? Sincerely, mean-streak
Dear brain
Why must you bring up my deepest regrets every day instead of letting me live in peace? Sincerely, walkingincircles
Dear you
please don’t come to my going away party tomorrow night, you’re half the reason I’m glad to be leaving. Sincerely, justinasaurusrex
Dear Vagina
Please stop burning like the fires of a million suns whenever I pee. I’m sorry that I had sex and now your urinary tract is infected. But c’mon, you enjoyed it while it was happening. You don’t have to punish me now. Sincerely, whosthatgirl
Dear makers of the Playstation 3
How come you only package your PS3’s with 1 controller? Huh? What, do you you think I’m made of money? Not only am I an unemployed, but it took me a good 6 months to save up just over $600 bucks to pay for the damn thing! You’d think for such a hefty price the least you could do is throw in an extra controller. Makes multiplayer a whole hell of a lot easier, let me tell you....
Dear Ex-Girlfriend / Current Friend
Don’t offer to help with my transportation issues after my car got a flat tire only to back out when it no longer became beneficial to you. I mean I did get the flat at your place, and I only agreed to go after your incessant, jealous pleading. That really fucked me over, thanks.
And yes, that was a run-on sentence. Sincerely, chriseverson
Dear Mass City
why didnt you think to log into tumblr before you sent your last letter.
cc: Open Letters
sorry… love you. :) Sincerely, masscity
Dear Open Letters
why can’t i follow you? do you think youre too good for me? :( Sincerely, masscity
Dear Pierre-Charles L'Enfant
Why did you design DC to be the most confusing place ever driven through? I was going to go to your funeral, but I got lost on the way and ended up in Virginia. Sincerely, masscity
Dear Construction Workers Next Door
Uh, thank you for all that banging around this morning. I actually forgot to set my alarm, and I’m trying to have a gold star week at work.
P.S. I’m still not cool with this starting construction at 7 am thing on the weekends, but you’re not going to hear any complaints from me during the week. Sincerely, alohanico
Dear she who shall not be named
I am anxiously awaiting the day when I am not pathetically obsessed with you anymore. Hopefully that will be soon. Sincerely, natalieloren
Dear Frankie and Benny's
Your are not a real Italian American restaurant.
Despite having Goodfella-style mass-produced family photos on the walls and playing 1950s songs on a continuous loop, the illusion is not an impressive one.
Your fake food is deeply average, over-priced, meagre, more-often-than-not luke warm and usually served by a disenfranchised foreign exchange student who hates your over-promising,...
Dear Happiness
I’m right here, you nearsighted bitch. What the hell’s wrong with you? Sincerely, velvetrobots
Dear Arizona
This isn’t Hell. Please lower the temperature so we don’t burst into flames and all burn to death. Sincerely, nadiaphaneuf
Dear Banquet Food Products
Curse you for making your meals (specifically the salisbury steak meal) far too delicious to rightly be legal. You continue to produce food that makes me want to be a total glutton. And just when I was starting to lose weight too! Sincerely, confidential
Dear Chinese Woman's Gymnastics Coach
There is no way some of those girls are 16. Sincerely, kvknowsherfun