Dear velvet robot
Don’t be mean to masscity! Even though he used “too” instead of “to” (which does irk me…) he is my friend. Besides, open letters doesn’t seem to require posts to meet a certain criteria. When we do need open letters police, you’ll be the first internet-flashlight cop we call. k? Until then, feel free to do something more productive with your time like adding new facebook apps. :-)
Dear youngin' who's cradle I've robbed
The funny thing is that after hanging out with you for an extended period of time… and I mean really, did you have to stay for 2 freakin weeks?!… I’ve realized that the only kind of relationship with you I can have is over text. It limits you. Trust me, that’s a good thing… cause you talk way too damn much. Your love of stupid cliches makes me wanna bite my wrists open. I’m sorry, you’re young, and it just wouldn’t work out. Sorry I robbed your cradle.
Dear whoever is reading this
check out my site. I like to write funny things and do other things. Give my site a look and maybe a follow.
I’d be your super-best friend, the kind that would totes take a bullet for you (Reader note: don’t let the fact that I just said totes take away from you going to my site, please).
Dear god, jesus, the virigin mary
today is my dad’s birthday. please give me the guts to at least give him a hug.
Dear Asians & Pacific Islanders
I hate to break the news to you, but there’s a little bit of FOB in *all* of us. So, if you like Spam, just admit it…and if you don’t like it, don’t be hating on those of us who do.
Dear Masscity
You have been posting a lot of things lately. The sad part is, none of them are really that funny.
Please handle with temperance.
Dear memory
why do you allow me to remember trivial things, like my ex’s birthday… but not important things like… umm… the thing… the big thing with the importance.
See? eff you… Santa? Wait… who is this letter too, again?
Dear life
Leave it up to you to ruin a perfectly fine day with things that shouldn’t matter. You make the smallest things seem massive then my brain is overrun by negativity and unpleasantness.
Please fuck off and let me have a good day for once. Thanks.
Dear Alzheimers
Why did you have to go and start a twisted relationship with Terry Pratchett’s brain? He’s put a lot of good books into the world, but I guess you disagree. All I ask of you is to make your cure more obvious.
It feels almost as good as going postal, but without the inconvenient prison sentence.
