Open Letters

Dear SD Fair Shoplifters

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 03:42:44 -0400

I wish you knew how much sweat and money my parents go through to finding things to your liking. So, of course it wouldn’t be FREE, but I mean… the things you steal, they are only $3! No, that’s the thing… you wouldn’t know… even with our personalized sign that says “STOP! Shoplifters will be beaten to death.” Though, that phrase is merely for entertaining purposes, I sometimes wish it was true.

Sincerely,
oh-serendipity

Dear Phoenix Rover

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 23:14:42 -0400

I Love You.

Sincerely,
olivr

Dear padre

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:23:15 -0400

i really wish you were spending father’s day with me instead of with your girlfriend.

i love you, anyhow.

Sincerely,
spacelola

Dear Top Chef Judges

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 09:04:49 -0400

Thank you for redeeming yourselves this season. After previous injustices (e.g., eliminating Sam and Elia in favor of Marcel and Ilan, and allowing Lisa to get as far as she did in the competition), I was afraid you would make a poor decision in Season 4’s recent finale. I was all set to boycott any future seasons if Lisa won. She did not, and all is right with the world. I now can say that I honestly look forward to future seasons of your show.

Sincerely,
sisterpearl

Dear brain

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 06:53:21 -0400

Why do you not think before you leave behind the books you need to study for the test on Monday?

Sincerely,
michelle658

Dear reader

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 22:26:54 -0400

it’s ok to be wrong from time to time and it’s ok to admit it. What’s not ok is to blame everything on everyone else. It’s just not cool. A bad attitude just makes you look stupid and annoys everyone around you. Shouting in an argument makes you look stupid too and you don’t want to look stupid do you? Just understand and maybe take my advice.

Also, yes, you should go see Sex And The City and/or Indiana Jones. They are really good I think.

Sincerely,
byepolar

Dear Brain

Fri, 30 May 2008 19:30:51 -0400

Shutup.

Sincerely,
riotrepublic

Dear Place of Employment

Thu, 29 May 2008 10:49:23 -0400

I may not be the most qualified employee on your staff, but I may be the one of the few who actually cares about your business. The fact that you do not see this and completely miss the fact that I’m willing to learn is rather discouraging. You have succeeded, however, in turning a place I once enjoyed into a place I now dread. Thanks.

Sincerely,
kylebingman

Dear Steven Spielberg and George Lucas

Sun, 25 May 2008 15:01:17 -0400

Thank you for making the new Indiana Jones movie! It was phenomenal and brought back great childhood memories and feelings. A real return to form that filled the fantastic adventure movie void that had been left since the Last Crusade (National Treasure wasn’t good enough of a fix) and only left me wanting more.

Sincerely,
omnialx

Dear Reality

Fri, 23 May 2008 02:45:50 -0400

Why must you check yourself at the most inopportune times?

Sincerely,
spacelola

Dear Rain

Tue, 20 May 2008 10:08:07 -0400

Please go away. I want to ride my bike.

Sincerely,
dears

Dear People with plastic sports cars

Sat, 17 May 2008 09:36:10 -0400

We get that you like to drive 100mph on neighborhood roads. But your tiny plastic cars aren’t made for that anyway. I mean, who the fuck are you trying to impress? You’ll just get yourself killed like all the others.

Sincerely,
joshdj14

Dear tumblr world

Fri, 16 May 2008 20:56:02 -0400

I don’t expect you to care about the goings-on of my life and I certainly don’t expect you to e-mail me to tell me that you don’t care. It’s rude plus it puts a damper on my day. Seriously, just unfollow.

Sincerely,
jessicap

Dear spacelola

Tue, 13 May 2008 16:56:18 -0400

I’m stoked you’re a Wings fan. Representin’ Flint meow.

Sincerely,
krza

Dear Detroit Red Wings

Thu, 08 May 2008 20:47:37 -0400

Thank you for giving me something to be happy about in this god-forsaken state. You kick so much ass.

Sincerely,
spacelola

Dear Guy at the Zürich Hauptbahnhof beer store

Sat, 03 May 2008 16:06:27 -0400

I don’t care that I can’t speak Swiss German. You must be employee of the month. And no, I’m not fucking Italian

Sincerely,
krza

Dear Boys

Thu, 01 May 2008 22:43:51 -0400

Just because I’m friendly does not mean that I want you.

Sincerely,
carrotoverlord

Dear you know who you are

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:59:13 -0400

I’m amazing I know, but I’m not superwoman. Stop asking me to do 500 things all with the same deadline.

srslykthxbai

srsly… byeee!

Sincerely,
thillythenny

Dear Apple

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 10:22:00 -0400

Please engrave your serial numbers so they are visible to the naked eye. It’s a pain the arse to find my magnifying glass every time I need to reinstall iTunes.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Sincerely,
butterflyeffect

Dear guy at Taco Bell

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:24:28 -0400

I wish you would stop staring at me and other people. It becomes a huge inconvenience to your customers and gets really annoying when they’re eating.

Sincerely,
joshdj14